Elephant Heard

The girls that live above my office often sound like a heard of elephants.  They stomp.  They definitely don't know how to walk in heals.  I often wonder if they are teaching aerobics up there.  And today I think they might be playing tag.  It is so loud!!!  And to top it off one of them really really likes Adele.  And I feel like it might be my duty to tell her not to quit to her day job.  (Not that she probably has a job.  I am sure her parents are paying for her rent and funding her future failed singing career.)  But she is belting it out.  And the best thing I can compare it to is a cat dying.  And that might be too friendly.   I have turned up my music but I can still hear it.  Somebody help me..... 


Update:  One hour later, I am pretty sure they just have Hello on repeat.  Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Promotion

This is normally our quietest time of the year.  The students are gone.  The adults that live here are relaxed and enjoying a break from the idiots.  All is calm.......  Nope. Not this year.  

We have had multiple broken windows.  We had to evict a commercial tenant.  There has been some break ins.  Two roofs are leaking.  Our maintenance mans wife had a baby so he isn't here.  My boss is beginning his annual freak out over pre-leasing.  (We are far ahead of where we have ever been for this time of year so he is just going to need to chill the ef out.)   And that is just the last 5 days.  

And while all of this has been happening we were working on a project to submit a bid for more properties.  Because why not.  We need to add to the chaos.  That is a great idea. 

Now I am not one to complain (pause for laughter) but this isn't making me feel all Christmassy.

And just to make it more fun about half our tenants paid rent late this month.  Which of course they felt was my fault.  I think I am promoting myself from mayor of idiotville to captain of the insane train.  I think it has a nicer ring. 

All This

This.

Short and sweet

Convo with my boss.....

Me: do you have any heartburn meds? 

Boss: yes. In my desk drawer. Under the gun.

Me: ***(sigh)*** Do you think that says something about this job?

Boss: that it's exciting and we eat well?

Me: ********facepalm********

Ummmm..... Yeah......

This basically sums up this week.  It has been insane.  This should be one of our quietest times of the year.  The students are wrapping up finals and leaving town.  My grown up tenants are kicking back and enjoying the silence.  Our maintenance guys get a much needed break from constant running.  But nope.  No peace for me. I am worn out this week.  This week is how crazy it used to be and what drove me to leave.  I have to remind myself over and over this week that this is just one week.  Just one weird and crazy week.  There has been evictions, threats, a tenant accidentally texting me about their drug deal, and a never ending project we are working on to acquire another property, because we really need to add some more units to our crazy days.  Sure.  Why not. When I have more than 2 minutes I will share all my fun stories from this week. 

Merry Christmas!!!!!  Tis the season to be a jerk!!!

Actual and Factual

This morning a tenant texted and asked if we could change his smoke detector battery.  This is a service we provide for some of our tenants as some of the devices are up really high.  They just need to provide the battery. Here is how the conversation went.  Verbatim. We shall call him Fratboy Bob.

Fratboy Bob: Can you send someone to change my smoke detector battery?  It has been chirping for days.
Me: Absolutely.  Just leave the battery on the kitchen counter.
Fratboy Bob:  If I could reach the battery I wouldn't need you to come.
Me: (I will not call him a moron.... I will not call him a moron) I mean the new battery.
Fratboy Bob:  What new battery?
Me:  (ummmmmmmm) The battery for your smoke detector.
Fratboy Bob: I don't have a battery.
Me:  Just let me know when you have it, and I will send one of our guys.
Fratboy Bob:  Why do I have to get the battery? 
Me:  You are responsible for that.  We just change it as a courtesy because they are so high up.
Fratboy Bob:  That's f*&%# ridiculous.

I stay silent.  No point in texting back at this point.  I just let him stew on the fact that he actually has to provide something for himself for a few minutes.  I knew he would be back.

Fratboy Bob:  I have a battery here. I found one in a drawer.
Me: A 9volt?
Fratboy Bob: No.  It is a AAA.
Me: Well it needs a 9volt.
Fratboy Bob:  What the f*&%??????  Why can't you just use this one?  It is brand new.
Me: Because it takes a 9volt. 
Fratboy Bob:  So you expect me to just go spend money on a stupid f*&^ing battery because you want to make even more money off us??????
Me: Well we don't make any money off you buying a battery at the store.  And the smoke detectors are there for your safety.
Fratboy Bob:  This place is insane. 
Me: Just le me know when you have it and I will get my guys up there.
Fratboy Bob: F*&$ off.

I have a conversation like this about twice a year.  They are shocked they have to buy their own batteries and light bulbs. Oh the horror.  And I am a big mean lady for not just giving them free things.  And apparently I am now making money off things they buy at the grocery store.  Well I need to call the local store and find out where the heck my check is. 

The Maintenace Man

Our maintenance man quit.  For the 297th time.  He constantly threatened to quit.  Handed in his keys a million times. But always asked for his job back the next day.  The level of immaturity and unprofessionalism rivaled that of our tenants.  When I came back from my little hiatus, he almost immediately threatened to quit, again.  I said 'good, then quit.'  He of course tried to go above me to my boss who said the same thing.  We were tired of it.  Plus we have another maintenance man and it is the slow season.  One will be plenty for now.  So we all agreed to give him 30 days to find another job.  He found a job.  Yesterday he handed in his keys.  His first assignment today with the new plumbing company he went to work for..... Yep.  Our properties.  Yet again proving God has a wicked sense of humor.

Rent Week

Rent Week, or as I like to call it, Week of Hell has started.  Each month for 5 days I get an endless parade of tenants through my office who are not only paying their rent, but also are here to tell me everything that they hate about living here.  Here are some of todays complaints:

**I only have hot water for 15 minutes. That is insane. (ummmm....#fisrtworldproblems)

**Our Gas bill doubled last month.  Something must be wrong.  (Oh your gas bill doubled when you turned on your only gas appliance for the first time since you moved in? Shocking that a furnace would do that)

**Can we get new screens on our windows? Our cat keeps trying to jump out.  (what happened to the old ones??? And thank you for letting me know you have a cat, can you please pay your pet deposit?)

**Our ceiling fan isn't working.  There is something wrapped around it.  I don't know what.  (The ceiling fan hanging from the 20 foot ceilings????  How did you get something wrapped around it? I don't even want to know.)

And my favorite so far today:

**Our tub is super dirty.  Can maintenance come clean it? ( I just can't even respond to this.)

I just keep reminding myself that at least they keep it interesting.  'Can you clean my tub?'  Seriously.  I will be laughing about that for a while.

30 Days In

Well I have been back for 30 days.  So far it hasn't been too bad.  A few idiots.  But nothing out of control yet.  Here are some updates from the last month:

I had some girls in my office to sign a lease for next year and it was Halloween week. They were so hungover they could barely function.  Questionably still intoxicated.  As I am entering all their info into our system one of them starts crying.  I tried to ignore it but she was slowly starting to freak out.  I finally asked if she was ok.   Apparently in her hungover/still drunk haze she added her mom to a group text and then sent pictures of herself wasted and dressed like a slutty cop in some not so classy poses.  Her mom was paying her $500 deposit for her apartment for next year.  I am guessing that her mom was super proud and super glad that she coughed up that cash for her daughter to continue living the drunk college life next year.  A little advice: STOP DOCUMENTING ALL YOUR IDIOCY!!!!!!!!

I have some tenants who installed a basketball hoop.  (They have 20 foot ceilings and hardwood floors so I kind of understand.  I mean it's not ok, but how cool would that have been in college??)  But they like to play basketball in their living room in the afternoons.  They man who lives above them is not a college kid.  (Why he wanted to live in a well known college kid filled area, I don't know.)  Well the ball bouncing is extremely loud.  So this man complains daily.  I get it.  But come on.  He will text me 10 times in a row.  So now almost daily I have to tell 22 year old young men to stop bouncing a ball in the house because the 40 year old man who lives above them tattled on them and is throwing a tantrum.  How is this my real life?

I will say that many of my previous tenants that still live here seem genuinely happy that I am back.  I might be stern but I get stuff done.  And I think they appreciate how hard I really work for them a little bit more now.  We will see how long it lasts.

It Was All Lies

So with in 24 hours of that last post where I swore I would be better things just got crazy. The person who owned the properties I worked for called and made me some pretty sweet offers. So I'm back babysitting the idiots. I'm a sucker. What can I say.

I've been back for three weeks and let me tell you, they still keep it pretty interesting. In three weeks I've had drunk girls crying, crazy parties, and already a visit from the fire marshal. I'm not regretting my decision to come back. I was a bit out of sorts and apparently I'm good at this job. I am however questioning my sanity for agreeing to come back.  Wish me luck and wait for it....

The Stories are Coming . . .

So I quit my job in February.  It was a crazy spur of the moment decision that followed a fortuitous and very random meeting at the post office.  I bumped into a family friend who was looking for someone new for their finance department.  It took a total of 2 days to make up my mind to apply for the job.  An awful, idiot filled 2 days.  They broke me.  The Idiots of Idiotville broke me.  I handed in my two weeks and took what I thought would be the most magical job I had ever had.

I was going to work for our local Community Foundation.  How could a building filled with people whose only goal in life was to help raise and manage money for charity not be the most magical place on earth?  Well for the most part I found it to be a pretty spectacular place.  But just maybe not the place for me.  I floundered a bit there.  I couldn't quite catch my stride and find my place in the fold.  So after 4 months I left the Community Foundation.

I have spent the summer enjoying my children and trying to make some choices about our future.  At first it was pretty delightful.  Time with the kids.  Time for myself.  No crazy tenants.  What could possible go wrong? Well how about everything.  But I will get into all those fun stories later!

After a series of disappointments and disasters I was falling down into a funk.  My house was a mess.  My parenting skills were not at their finest level.  I think that after three years of managing the morons I have actually lost my ability to function on a normal level.  (Possibly the reason I struggled at the new job.  That I will never know.)  So I have had to set new goals for myself.  Sometimes they are just small daily goals such as I will put on real pants today.  Sometimes they are bigger goals where I promise myself that I will not assume the worst in all humans today as not all humans are idiots. But usually it falls somewhere in between.

Today I woke up and decided it was time to really get my shit together and accomplish some of these goals.  Today is the day I am getting up and getting out of this funk.  I am on a mission.  First thing on the list, start writing again.  It makes me feel better.  Partly because, if I were being completely honest, I mildly enjoy mocking others but mostly because I feel like just getting it all out is better than keeping it all in.  Basically this is my way of warning you to be ready.  The stories are coming.  And lots of them.  I have 6 months worth of insanity to catch up on and a daily life full of ridiculousness that I am more than happy to share.  So brace yourselves... This is happening.